Sunday, September 12, 2010

United Nations warning to the world - Stay the F outta Prague!

Okay, maybe the United Nations didn't issue this warning, but after someone from the UN reads this, you can expect them to ASAP.

You see, it seems that Prauge Zoo has lost one of it's lovable Honey Badgers.


Aww

Well, not so much lost as had one of these delightful animals that just happen to be considered the most fearless animal in the world decide she was bored, and climbed over a 1.6m high fence in a bid for sweet sweet freedom.

"So what's the big deal?" I hear you thinking (mind reading is a side effect of my Jedi training). Well for one thing, most of the animals on the planet that can kill you, are just a tasty snack to the Honey Badger.


Yes, it is snacking on a scorpion. Fear it.

Honey Badgers, while eating earth worms, insects, frogs and other tiny little creatures that we tend to ignore also find scorpions, porcupines, mongooses and larger prey like crocodiles up to one metre in size, young gazelle and pythons, and other venomous snakes quite tasty!
Starting to get worried yet, people of Prague?



Just watch this 2002 National Geographic documentary titled "Snake killers: Honey badgers of the Kalahari". You will see a Honey Badger casually walk up to a Puff Adder, steal the meal the snake was eating right out of it's mouth, eat it in front of the pissed off Puff Adder, get up wander back over to the very venom filled snake and start to eat it! This Honey Badger then gets a little woozy, passed out on the dead snake, having being bitten by it. After about an hour or 2, the Honey Badger wakes up, notices the snake it was eating, and continues to eat it, before wandering off, in search of it's next poisonous meal to eat like nothing happened at all!







(Seriously, click the link)

A 2009 issue of Scientific American claims that pound for pound the honey badger is the world's most fearsome land mammal due to its favourable claw to body ratio and aggressive behavioural tendencies. And to make them just a little more interesting, these little killers are smart too! Honey Badgers are one of few animals capable of using tools, like we are. In the 1997 documentary series Land of the Tiger, a Honey Badger in India was filmed using a tool. The Honey Badger rolled a log and stood on it to reach a kingfisher fledgling stuck up in the roots coming from the ceiling in an underground cave. Nowhere is safe!
Yes, this lone Honey Badger is fighting off a full grown Lion. Yes, it is WAY tougher than you are, you pudgy little human.



The Honey Badgers thick, loose skin makes it difficult to grip or suffocate them. It is able to twist inside its own skin and bite whatever is holding it. Poor stupid Lion.

And poor stupid people of Prague. You have no chance. Flee while you can. Your only hope is to have small children, the elderly, and the very very fat flee with you, as your longer legs will keep you a good distance ahead, and up your chances of getting away.

I'll end this with a quote from Jeremy Clarkson, on the BBC's Top Gear's Botswana Special. "A Honey Badger does not kill you to eat you. It tears off your testicles."

God Speed people of Prague!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Billie Piper, you sexy British badger you!

Rose Tyler, a young woman of 19 accidentally trapped one evening in the London department store where she works, finds herself surrounded by plastic mannequins that have come to life in the basement. But more importantly, you have proven to the world that British women can be sexy (despite Posh Spice's attempts to convince us otherwise).



Hubba hubba!

Thank you Rose Tyler. Seriously... thank you. Not only did you make a very well written, long lasting, and fantastic show sexy... Damn... I had something sweet, funny and amazing to write about you, but Google image has distracted me, and quite frankly, my mind is now gone blank...



Daaaaamn!

Oh, and a big thank you to Google images. Due to my searching for a photo or two of Rose Tyler to add to this little note, I now have a screen full of topless photos of Billie Piper (who played Rose Tyler). Dare I switch from "Use moderate filtering" to "No filtering"?

Sigh.... <3

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

"Little, Pink, Cute" say some in the scientific community. "Fucking scary!" Say others.

Using its fins to walk, rather than swim, along the ocean floor, the pink handfish is one of nine newly named species described in a recent scientific review of the handfish family.



The damn thing has evolved hands. HANDS people! Lucky for us only four specimens of the elusive four-inch pink handfish have ever been found, and all of those were collected from areas around the city of Hobart on the Australian island of Tasmania. This means we still have a chance to wipe them all out before they develop reverse SCUBA technology, and start pillaging and looting cities in Tasmania!

Yes, I know what you are thinking. It's in Tasmania. Who cares? Well you should bub, because not only does Hobart have an airport, but they have an INTERNATIONAL airport! This means that there is the chance (slim as it might be) that these fish, when done plundering Hobart, raping buildings and setting fire to the women and children, will figure out how to steal one of the planes from the international airport, and that means they could go anywhere in the world!

The mind boggles at the pants crapping possibilities of what these proto "Creature from the Black Lagoon" could accomplish if they were to successfully get to a real country like England, the United States or Canada.

"Well they couldn't do much damage in the States, those fat bastards eat anything right?" This would play right into the hands (literally people... HANDS!) of the Pink handfish. Researchers think handfish have a secret weapon: a toxic skin that kills most attackers. "Anecdotal stories suggest predators may die within an hour of eating a handfish, said CSIRO fish taxonomist Gledhill." We don't know Gledhill's full name, because as he was telling us this over the phone, he suddenly stopped talking, made a gurgling noise, and then went silent. All we could here after that was the sound of little wet feet running away.

Before Gledhill was silenced by the pink handfish, he did manage to tell us one more startling thing. "Handfish also tend to stay very close to home, so they don't adapt well to new places." Which means no doubt that they will try to transform our great countries into shark filled underwater death traps!

Not much is known about handfish, because their populations are low and they are not often seen in the wild. But researchers suggest handfish lay fewer eggs than most other fish species, which means their long-term survival is a concern.

The time to strike is NOW people, while we still outnumber these evil little fish.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Snowman killing heat induced poetry. Eat your heart out William Shakespeare (in your cool cool grave... you bastard!).

Now is the summer of our discontent, this 45C temps are devil sent, Irish skin in this heat was just not meant, those sparkle vampires from Twilight can all get bent!

Hark, what light through yonder window breaks? With such intensity my skin it doth bake! Cold I thought it was supposed to be here for goodness sake! These bloody temps I just can not take! Birds fly by my window and start to bake!

Oh Woah is me and damn this sun, infernal heat has ruined my fun. It burns my skin and warms my beer, what makes it worse is the mosquitoes near!

Some advise, no a warning, a threat I make! If I must sit in this heat and bake, anger boils and temper rise! Find me some AC or you will all die! This threat I warn is not small, my brain, this heat I will kill you all!

Friday, April 2, 2010

You make me want to punch a kitten

So I was standing in line today at a KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken for those who live under a rock) for a little over 10 mins. Now waiting in line for 10 mins is not that odd, but there were only 2 people in the line in front of me. An old man, and in front of him a woman.

It's pretty rare that I decide I'm having a
KFC craving. As far as fast food goes, they can make a pretty good
poutine, but on the whole, I might go to one maybe 3 times a year. It's just not my thing.

The woman in the front of the line was being rather bitchy to the kid taking her order. She kept going on with questions about calories... How many calories in a large fries, how many calories if she adds ketchup, how many calories in their chicken sandwich... I'm not sure if she was counting calories because she didn't want to go over a limit, was trying to reach a limit, or was just a bitch, but I'll give the kid taking her abuse credit, he stayed polite, and did his best to not kill her with a diet soda can to the side of her head.

The old man in front of me, and behind this crazy woman politely asked if she would mind hurrying up, something about his blood sugar levels and needing to eat soon... and she turned around and bit off his head. So now I'm standing in line with a headless corpse of an old man, and a crazy woman (Alright, maybe she didn't LITERALLY bite it off... I think mostly because she didn't know how many calories were in a fresh human head).

Now what really got me was while trying to figure out the best way to reach her magic calorie count, she wanted to know how many calories would be in a large fries, classic chicken sandwich, and a large diet Pepsi, BUT (and figure this out) hold the lettuce.

HOLD.... THE.... LETTUCE...!

What the hell!? If you are worried about your health, your diet, the number of calories that you are taking in, whatever, and you are eating fast food crap, might I suggest NOT super sizing your meal, getting a bottle of water over the large diet Pepsi, and not worrying how many calories are in a single leaf of lettuce!

At this point the kid taking her order started to get a twitch in his eye, and told the crazy bitch that he did not know how many calories were in a single leaf of lettuce. The woman went ballistic! "Why don't you know!? You work here don't you!? It's the fucking law that you tell me how many calories are in your food!"

For the record, there are 5 calories in 1 leaf of romaine lettuce ( the outer leaf) and 1 calorie in the inner leaf ( I had to Google this, as I had no fucking clue at all).

People, let me lay it out straight for you... 99% of you ladies will NEVER look like
Megan Fox. EVER. this might sound cold, but on the flip side, I, and 99% of men will never look like Brad Pitt. I am okay with this, and you should be too. Just because we don't look like the people considered to be some of the hottest on our planet, does not mean we all look like, or are in danger of becoming the obese giant lard asses we see on Jerry Springer who have to be forklifted onto the stage to do the show. You can be healthy and not have a 6 pack of abs.

Having said all this, during my next time I have a fast food craving, if one of you health nut psychopaths that don't understand that fast food is NOT A HEALTHY CHOICE, one lettuce leaf or not, makes me wait over 10
mins to order my frigging sandwich, I will bite YOUR head off, because I couldn't give a rats ass how many calories your head has in it (The average human brain weighs 1,300 - 1,400 grams. Beef brain is 590 calories per serving which is 391 grams. The average brain is approximately 3.5 servings. Thus 2065 calories.... thank you
Google)!





13 Cans Of Redbull Later asks the question "Healthier without lettuce?"

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Bears... those lazy furry evil bastards

What is the greatest threat to America, and by extension, Canada? Bears with guns.

Stephen Colbert was right. I must admit, when I first heard his report on bears with guns, I thought to myself, "Stephen, you're being silly... bears with guns... riiiight..." then I took to my trusty computer, and did a little research. Yikes!

I am actually amazed that people go to see bears at zoos, or that the WWF actually wants to save them. I have to tell you, I've seen bears EVERYWHERE. Come to Toronto in the last week of June and you will see thousands of bears, in the bars, marching on the streets, posing for pictures with tourists.

As if bears were not scary enough as it is (and this has nothing to do with homophobia. Just look at those fuckers! Eek!) now people want to give them guns? Nay Nay I say!




Just think of how differently this bar fight might have went if this bear had a gun? Poor poor Chuck Norris...

Egg Foo Breakfast Fry Up!

This is an easy breakfast to make. Just take the Chinese food leftovers you ordered last night(taking the fortunes out of the cookies, and the food out of the cartons), break 4 eggs (pick out as many of the shells as you can) into a frying pan. Mix (use a fork, spoon, or your finger, this all happens before the stove is on).

Turn the stove on high. Place the frying pan on burner. Wait 4 mins, then slap yourself on the forehead, and place the frying pan on the burner you actually turned on. Stir (this time a finger is not recommended for stirring).

Cook mix till smoke alarm goes off. Turn off smoke alarm. Turn off smoke alarm again. Put smoke alarm outside, and close the window. Turn up the radio to drown out the smoke alarm outside the window. Add Franks Hot Sauce to the mix. Take the mix off of the burner.

Dump into large bowl. Add more Franks Hot Sauce. Sit down at the table to eat.

Apologize to the cat, make sure it's feet are not on fire, and turn off burner you forgot.

Yell at the dog to get her head out of your breakfast.

Take the dog outside to vomit.

Bring the dog back inside.

Wipe the dog's vomit off your boots.

Wait 30 mins for the pizza place to open and order a pizza.

Bea Arthur, Mountains, and Pizza (Oh My!)

And from a bit of gold, we are pleased to bring you a cold slice of what happens when people have too much free time, imagination, poor photoshop skills, and access to the internet.

Bea Arthur Mountains Pizza is a website that bills itself as "the definitive collection of pictures featuring Bea Arthur, mountains and pizza." We had an hour to kill, so using the power of Google Images Search, we looked. It turns out they are right.

Be in awe of Bea Arthur's amazing Kung Fu pizza punch!



Feel the shivers down your spine as you view Bea Arthur giving a slice of pizza that must have been up to no good the evil eye!



Oh No! This slice of pizza is trying to get the better of Bea Arthur by sneaking up behind her and dropping roast beef on her! Look out Bea Arthur!



Does Bea Arthur survive the vicious and delicious pizza attack? Will the scenic mountains come to her rescue? Go to Bea Arthur Mountains Pizza and see!

Oh yes, a warning... if you do try to look up Bea Arthur on Google Images Search, if you are eating, or plan to eat in the next hour, for the love of all that is holy, make sure your image search is set on "safe mode". Trust us.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Man makes Roosters Obsolete!

In a big "FUCK YOU!" to roosters everywhere, science has finally come up with a way to wake up in the morning with a smile that does not include strangling one of those cock-a-doodle-bastards to death.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, man's genius; the Bacon Alarm Clock!



Yes, the Wake n' Bacon as it has been so perfectly named is real, and yes, you can buy it. Created by Matty Sallin, Daniel Bartolini, and Hsiaohuh Hsu (men who no doubt will be making the short list for the Nobel Peace Prize this year), because they, like the rest of us out in the real world, were tired of being woken up with annoying buzzers, whistles, or those holier-than-thou roosters.

How does this magical and wonderful clock work I hear you asking? Well it's so simple that 3 over tired men with a passion for bacon could come up with it actually. What you do is before you go to bed, you put a strip of frozen bacon into the tray, set the alarm, and sleep. In the morning the clock activates 2 halogen lamps 10 minutes before you want (or rather have to) get up. These 2 halogen lamps then get to work slowly cooking the strip of bacon, filling your room with the smell of yummy goodness, which should wake you up. And as a back up, if this wonderful smell gives you dreams of eating breakfast, an alarm will soon follow to stop you from eating your pillow.


Matty Sallin, Danial Bartolini, and Hsiaohuh Hsu, 13 Cans Of Redbull Later salutes you!

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