Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Bears... those lazy furry evil bastards

What is the greatest threat to America, and by extension, Canada? Bears with guns.

Stephen Colbert was right. I must admit, when I first heard his report on bears with guns, I thought to myself, "Stephen, you're being silly... bears with guns... riiiight..." then I took to my trusty computer, and did a little research. Yikes!

I am actually amazed that people go to see bears at zoos, or that the WWF actually wants to save them. I have to tell you, I've seen bears EVERYWHERE. Come to Toronto in the last week of June and you will see thousands of bears, in the bars, marching on the streets, posing for pictures with tourists.

As if bears were not scary enough as it is (and this has nothing to do with homophobia. Just look at those fuckers! Eek!) now people want to give them guns? Nay Nay I say!

Just think of how differently this bar fight might have went if this bear had a gun? Poor poor Chuck Norris...

Egg Foo Breakfast Fry Up!

This is an easy breakfast to make. Just take the Chinese food leftovers you ordered last night(taking the fortunes out of the cookies, and the food out of the cartons), break 4 eggs (pick out as many of the shells as you can) into a frying pan. Mix (use a fork, spoon, or your finger, this all happens before the stove is on).

Turn the stove on high. Place the frying pan on burner. Wait 4 mins, then slap yourself on the forehead, and place the frying pan on the burner you actually turned on. Stir (this time a finger is not recommended for stirring).

Cook mix till smoke alarm goes off. Turn off smoke alarm. Turn off smoke alarm again. Put smoke alarm outside, and close the window. Turn up the radio to drown out the smoke alarm outside the window. Add Franks Hot Sauce to the mix. Take the mix off of the burner.

Dump into large bowl. Add more Franks Hot Sauce. Sit down at the table to eat.

Apologize to the cat, make sure it's feet are not on fire, and turn off burner you forgot.

Yell at the dog to get her head out of your breakfast.

Take the dog outside to vomit.

Bring the dog back inside.

Wipe the dog's vomit off your boots.

Wait 30 mins for the pizza place to open and order a pizza.

Bea Arthur, Mountains, and Pizza (Oh My!)

And from a bit of gold, we are pleased to bring you a cold slice of what happens when people have too much free time, imagination, poor photoshop skills, and access to the internet.

Bea Arthur Mountains Pizza is a website that bills itself as "the definitive collection of pictures featuring Bea Arthur, mountains and pizza." We had an hour to kill, so using the power of Google Images Search, we looked. It turns out they are right.

Be in awe of Bea Arthur's amazing Kung Fu pizza punch!

Feel the shivers down your spine as you view Bea Arthur giving a slice of pizza that must have been up to no good the evil eye!

Oh No! This slice of pizza is trying to get the better of Bea Arthur by sneaking up behind her and dropping roast beef on her! Look out Bea Arthur!

Does Bea Arthur survive the vicious and delicious pizza attack? Will the scenic mountains come to her rescue? Go to Bea Arthur Mountains Pizza and see!

Oh yes, a warning... if you do try to look up Bea Arthur on Google Images Search, if you are eating, or plan to eat in the next hour, for the love of all that is holy, make sure your image search is set on "safe mode". Trust us.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Man makes Roosters Obsolete!

In a big "FUCK YOU!" to roosters everywhere, science has finally come up with a way to wake up in the morning with a smile that does not include strangling one of those cock-a-doodle-bastards to death.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, man's genius; the Bacon Alarm Clock!

Yes, the Wake n' Bacon as it has been so perfectly named is real, and yes, you can buy it. Created by Matty Sallin, Daniel Bartolini, and Hsiaohuh Hsu (men who no doubt will be making the short list for the Nobel Peace Prize this year), because they, like the rest of us out in the real world, were tired of being woken up with annoying buzzers, whistles, or those holier-than-thou roosters.

How does this magical and wonderful clock work I hear you asking? Well it's so simple that 3 over tired men with a passion for bacon could come up with it actually. What you do is before you go to bed, you put a strip of frozen bacon into the tray, set the alarm, and sleep. In the morning the clock activates 2 halogen lamps 10 minutes before you want (or rather have to) get up. These 2 halogen lamps then get to work slowly cooking the strip of bacon, filling your room with the smell of yummy goodness, which should wake you up. And as a back up, if this wonderful smell gives you dreams of eating breakfast, an alarm will soon follow to stop you from eating your pillow.

Matty Sallin, Danial Bartolini, and Hsiaohuh Hsu, 13 Cans Of Redbull Later salutes you!