Wednesday, August 4, 2010

"Little, Pink, Cute" say some in the scientific community. "Fucking scary!" Say others.

Using its fins to walk, rather than swim, along the ocean floor, the pink handfish is one of nine newly named species described in a recent scientific review of the handfish family.

The damn thing has evolved hands. HANDS people! Lucky for us only four specimens of the elusive four-inch pink handfish have ever been found, and all of those were collected from areas around the city of Hobart on the Australian island of Tasmania. This means we still have a chance to wipe them all out before they develop reverse SCUBA technology, and start pillaging and looting cities in Tasmania!

Yes, I know what you are thinking. It's in Tasmania. Who cares? Well you should bub, because not only does Hobart have an airport, but they have an INTERNATIONAL airport! This means that there is the chance (slim as it might be) that these fish, when done plundering Hobart, raping buildings and setting fire to the women and children, will figure out how to steal one of the planes from the international airport, and that means they could go anywhere in the world!

The mind boggles at the pants crapping possibilities of what these proto "Creature from the Black Lagoon" could accomplish if they were to successfully get to a real country like England, the United States or Canada.

"Well they couldn't do much damage in the States, those fat bastards eat anything right?" This would play right into the hands (literally people... HANDS!) of the Pink handfish. Researchers think handfish have a secret weapon: a toxic skin that kills most attackers. "Anecdotal stories suggest predators may die within an hour of eating a handfish, said CSIRO fish taxonomist Gledhill." We don't know Gledhill's full name, because as he was telling us this over the phone, he suddenly stopped talking, made a gurgling noise, and then went silent. All we could here after that was the sound of little wet feet running away.

Before Gledhill was silenced by the pink handfish, he did manage to tell us one more startling thing. "Handfish also tend to stay very close to home, so they don't adapt well to new places." Which means no doubt that they will try to transform our great countries into shark filled underwater death traps!

Not much is known about handfish, because their populations are low and they are not often seen in the wild. But researchers suggest handfish lay fewer eggs than most other fish species, which means their long-term survival is a concern.

The time to strike is NOW people, while we still outnumber these evil little fish.

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